Affected Much?

A friend of mine saw my old favorite shirt today. It was on someone else. (gasp) Sure, I've already given it up. Sure, I've already stopped fooling myself into thinking it can still fit me. Yes. I gave it up not because I don't like it anymore but because somehow, it outgrew me. Sad and yet oh so true.

It has been what? Months? Years? I've come from denial to finally accepting that that shirt was only meant to be with me for that certain amount of time. It has seen me on my worst and it has been with me on my best. There were even times when I don't think of it at all. So there shouldn't really be any feeling of bitterness. In fact, there shouldn't really be any emotions left anymore. But as I heard the news, I couldnt deny the fact that a part of me was somehow affected...deeply affected. Why is that?

I'm not holding on anymore. I've let go of all hopes, even the tiniest flicker. I've learned to forget and most importantly, I've learned to move past that. But this unexpected news caught me off guard and definitely threw me off my feet. I was bothered. I was disturbed. For a minute there, all current problems of the heart seemed to have vanished and in its place is this feeling of confusion. And yet no matter how I try to think past this, I can't and I have no idea why.

This will pass. Perhaps. I will get over this. Perhaps. I just need to get used to the idea. Perhaps. But for now, I am disturbed. That's for sure.

Affected much?(think)

Hoping, Believing

During this time of year, I usually glow with optimism and shine with happiness. I usually could not contain my excitement and go about town, happy as a child. During this time of year, I usually am a walking Christmas ad - spreading the love and joy of Christmas and enjoying every single moment of it. This year, I wonder if it'll ever be the same. I wonder if I'll ever be the same again.

As each day goes by, my optimism for a better tomorrow fades little by little. I struggle to find the brighter side in things and I try very hard not to let it all bring me down. The hardest part? It's the smiles and the laughters and it's doing them with a broken heart that's slowly killing my spirit. I do not know when I'll ever pull through or if I'll ever pull through. I've tried and tried and yet everytime I do, I always find myself back to square one. So the endless vicious cycle of my life goes.

I'm longing to see the sun shine again; to see the reason behind all this; to be able to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel; to finally get to the other side.

But it's not all that bad. The beauty in all of this is that I can still appreciate a good thing when I see it. I can still smile when I see people happy. There may be tears that come along with that smile but it's a smile nonetheless.

I want to be able to enjoy life again in its truest sense. I want to go back to my old self, radiating with hope and faith. I want to see the world with eyes full of love. But I understand that it is an ongoing process and the painful way of letting go does not happen overnight. I only hope that during the most festive and merriest occasion of this year, happiness will be on my side.

Until then, I will have to find and bring back my optimism. I have to believe that there is a bigger and greater plan out there for me. I have to believe that all this is gonna be worth it in the end. And I have to believe that I will find my happily ever after. After all, that is what Christmas is for right? It's a season of hope, of faith and of love. It's a season of magic. It's a season to believe.

I may be scarred, bruised and broken but I'm still here and I haven't given up hope just yet.

Heartbreak 101

What does a heartbreak entail?

When you get your heart broken, there's this unexplicable amount of pain that grips your heart so tight, even breathing becomes difficult. You lose your sense of direction, you lose all enthusiasm and you lose the gusto to live. You sit in one corner, oblivious to your surroundings, watching as the world goes by in a blur. And you don't care. At all.

Some say the pain they're feeling is far more greater than that of the others. Others say it's nothing compared to how their hearts are breaking. But in reality, there is no such thing as greater pain due to different types of reasons. There is only pain. How we handle it is what intensifies or lessens it. Regardless of the reason, regardless of the time, one thing is for sure: we will never be the same afterwards. There is that tiny part of you that went down the drain. No matter how you try to get it back, you can't. You just can't. However, the scars remain not to remind you of the ache but to remind you of how you were once brave enough to risk and love and that you can do it again, you should.

For the meantime, you know what you have to do. You know you need to get over it and move on. Easier said than done. Way, way, waaaaaaaaaaaay easier. The mind says do this and yet the heart remains still.

It's ok to wallow in pain. It's ok to take as much time as we need in making sure our hearts are ready to be back out in the open once again. Not entirely healed but recovered, nonetheless. It's ok to mope and to give in to that excruciating pain within us. It's ok to do all this as we slowly pick up the pieces and put them back together, hoping against hope, it'd be whole again.

We just have to make sure that we can pull ourselves through and that we will see ourselves out of this predicament. We have to make sure that we can still be able to see the light despite the black, empty void engulfing us. Lastly, we have to make sure that we do not lose ourselves in the process of fixing our broken hearts.

memoirs of a drama queen..

For conventionals, memories of past experiences are kept in those tiny little boxes, tucked away in the closet, hoping never to see them again. What if you find them? What happens when you open the box again?

Last night, I came upon my own share of memories-in-the-box. Curious that I am, I looked into it, wanting to see who I was back then and how I was. It's a little funny how the past can still surprise you. It's even funnier how it gives you a clearer view on everything that has happened, contrary to what you actually believed in all these years (insert sarcasm here).

There were little notes, receipts (oh yes, i keep them), cards and even ribbons! Did I mention I also keep a record of the heart-tingling-to-swoon-over text messages? It's in a little notebook I'd like to call "silly 'ol me". (rock) What? So I keep 'em nonsense things, call me sentimental but hey, that's me. (wasntme) The good times can still bring me to smiles. The oohs and the ahhs were present but of limited appearances since the show-stealer reaction were: What? Really? (gasp) as I shaked my head in disbelief.

In short, tucking away those memories has indeed served its purpose. It had made me forget. But now I am reminded of the past. You know how they say "the memories come crashing down on you"? Well it is true. I remember all the emotions I felt at that particular time. I remember how my world fell apart and I remember what I went through as I picked up the pieces. The effect was devastating. The process was gruelling. How I got through it, I have no idea. But there were good times too. Good times that hurt as much since you see what both of you have given up.

It was what? 4 years ago? And yet when I read them, it felt like yesterday. Could it be that the emotions I was trying so hard to mask crept its way out into the open? Could it be possible that my heart isn't as healed as I thought it was? Or is it just the sentimental in me?

But I'm okay now. Honestly, I'm okay. I mean not the jumping-up-and-down happy but I've dealt with it already. Or have I just pushed the emotions aside since there's something more raw and fresher problem? Could I have just placed it all aside and now its back to haunt me?

If I'm perfectly fine with all that was in that box, why then did i find myself crying over them?

Battle of the heart vs. the mind..

In all the years of my existence and in the various lessons garnered from experiences, you would think that i would know better. I should but sadly, I dont.

I've always been cautious. In shopping, in decision making - professionally, in cooking, in eating and in almost anything. Anything except matters of the heart. This is one area I can never seem to master the art of being canny and vigilant.

Once my heart talks, the mind is thrown to the back seat. Yes, there are debates. There's this mind-over-heart battle that just keeps on going. Yet in the end, the heart always wins. Whoever said that one should follow your heart to be truly happy did not know that it can only be true to some cases, not all. I should know. I've got the scars and bruises to prove it.

After every storm, defenses are built; you detach yourself from the world; you become devoid of any emotion and you become this cynical gurl wary of everything that comes knocking her way. And just when you were going along fine with your life - oblivious to everything else, something happens and it slowly thaws your insides that by the time you know it, you melt. Defenses are broken down, logic is replaced with faith, emotions become alive again and the belief that something wonderful may happen is renewed.. only to have it stepped upon and destroyed.. yet again.

How many times does this have to happen? When will this cycle end? Will this ever end? How many times should our heart break before we can finally have that happily ever after? How many tears should we waste before we can finally say "enough"?

I guess there is no answer to this. For the heart is resilient. No matter how many times we've been hurt, we continue to love. Despite the ache that's tearing us apart, we continue to hope.

So the vicious cycle of falling in love and hurting continues and we stay for the ride regardless of the pain. Why? Because somewhere inside us, there's a tiny flicker of hope that this time, maybe we've found that one person meant to heal our hearts; maybe just this once, we can be that one person hard to walk away from; and maybe this time, we can finally tell ourselves that everything we've been through was all worth it.

Dancing in the rain...

When i was a kid, as soon as we could hear the first few drops of the rain falling to the ground, we'd run to the window and check if it was strong enough. If it is, we'd make a dash towards to the back door and out into the open with the rain pelting our skin. We'd run around and enjoy the rain to our heart's content. No problems. No worries, just plain fun.

Now that we've grown up, dancing in the rain is a foregone thing to do. For one, it ain't practical anymore. Second, we're not kids. We can't run around - with our shirts sticking to our skins, not anymore. And last, they say standing under the rain makes us sick.

But do you ever get the feeling that dancing in the rain is the most romantic thing? You're letting go of all inhibitions. You're letting go of yourself as you run around, skipping around water puddles. You enjoy as water droplets fall upon your face. The wind is cold and the rain is cool. You're having the best time of your life, probably the best there ever will be (or so you think at that moment).

But what if it has its downsides? What if it has its downfalls? Or side effects as they like to call it? What if the feeling you got was temporary? What if it was just for that moment? Nothing more, nothing less. A dip in the unknown. A dip, take note, not a swim.

You let go of yourself; you lose yourself in the feeling; you forget everything else that once mattered. What if its of to no avail? Is certainty a guarantee? Is security a promise the rain holds?

What if we get hurt after dancing in the rain? What if some illness accompanied by depression decides to knock on our doors? What then?

Yet no matter how hard you try to resist, it has a hold on you. It's like lulling you to give in to the temptation. No matter how you tell yourself of the damage it can do to you, you find yourself stepping out of the safe zone and into the wet, rainy pavement.

Is the magical feeling you get from the rain still there? Can it last? How long before it vanishes into thin air and you are left with nothing but misery? We all know there is a possibility that we can get hurt while dancing in the rain.
We know the damage it can cause us.
Is the "magical feeling" enough to compensate the pain?
And even if we're given that warning, do we still risk to stand and dance in the rain even when we know it can make us sick?
Some of us won't.
Some of us will.
Because we're hoping against all hopes that we have enough strength to make ourselves better again.

Happily ever after...

I see a beautiful castle atop a mountain.
I see a lush garden surrounding it, with flowers of different colors in bloom.
I see people up and about, singing and dancing to their heart's content as they work.
I see birds chirping, butterflies adding more color to the scene and animals humming along to the tune.
I see a princess, sitting by the window sill, looking beyond the horizon as she awaits the return of her knight in shining armor, her prince.

I see myself observing from afar, lost and totally confused.
Then I realize that this isn't my world. This is a whole new dimension, some place I could never fit in. It is then that I am brought back to reality.

We all have dreams that of a fairytale with hopes that someday, it could happen to us. Amidst all trials, depression and problems that surround us, could we still hope? Should we still hope?

I've had my fair share of ups and downs and highs and lows, usually ending up in downs and lows. Yes, there are lessons learned. Yes they have made me stronger. But they have also made me tired and sad beyond words, sometimes to the point of questioning which is totally wrong. And sometimes to the point of cynicism.

Yet despite the confusion, I still believe.
Despite the ache that's gripping my heart, I still dream.
Despite the loss and despite the grief, I still hope.
Most of all, despite the pain, I continue to love.

I never wanted something complicated and unreasonable. All I wanted is to be loved as much as I love; to be that someone worth fighting for and someone worth standing up for. Someone who'll hold me and tell me everything will be all right; Someone who'll hold my hand and won't let go; Someone willing to go the distance with me, come hell or high water; Someone willing to share both happiness and pain.

I don’t need a knight.
I don’t need a white horse.
I don’t need a castle.
I don’t even need to be princess, although it doesn’t hurt to be one.
All I need is that one person willing to go the distance with me;
that one person who'll just be there and love me;
just that one person and it'll feel like I have everything else.
We can even build our own castle together.

In a modernized world, can fairy tales still come true?
Do we still have a chance at happily-ever-after?

A Constant Struggle...

I've talked about swimming towards the deeper ends of the sea, experiencing what it has to offer you and being brave enough to wander the thrills and shrills of the unknown.
What if you were able to muster enough courage and you did explore its depths? Yes, you see the never-before-seen wonders and feel the never-before-felt emotions. But what if you end up drowning? What happens then?
For people who are not experts on swimming, myself included, drowning is usually the foreseeable event (for lack of a better term).
When you feel the first signs of drowning, how do you know what to do next? What do you do next?
How can you tell if this is the right time to back off and head back to shore?
How can you head back when you're still in awe of the wonder that is laid out before you? You know, deep down, that the effects of drowning will hurt and yet you stay. Why is that?
It's because you've finally set aside your fears and have let go of anything that was holding you back. You've finally learned to open your eyes and give in to the feeling. It's because you know the pain will be nothing compared to what you are experiencing at that particular moment. And maybe, just maybe, you're hoping that if in case you drown, someone will be there to save you.
But what if there is no one to save you? The real challenge begins. Because then, you will see that all your fears have just come true. And the pain sinks in as the sea tries to lure you to its depths.
It would've been easier if it were as simple as just trying to get back to shore. But it's not. As you try to save your life, you also nurse a broken heart. A broken heart brought about by hope that something out there is worth all this conquering act for and the dream that there could be something more.
As you make your way back to shore, there will be times when you just want to give up and stop fighting the currents that pull you; there will be times when you want to stop and just drown yourself in your own tears (as if the ocean is not big enough for you to drown into).
But you have to see the bigger picture. You have to look beyond what you are going through right now and look towards the shore. Someday, you will get there. It's gonna be a long journey but you will make it. Maybe someday, you'll be safe once again. Until then, you continue to fight in this constant struggle of saving yourself.

If the shoe fits.. part 2

Remember how I talked about finding the right shoe that could somehow take the place of my old fave? Well, I found it.

I wasn't looking for it. I gave up on the search a long time ago. And yet, somehow, it managed to find me. In the most unexpected place and the most unexpected pair of shoe, I found what I was looking for..and more.

The new pair was more beautiful in a lot of ways. The comfort was there. The style was there. The best part? It complimented me in every way. It was also a pair that I knew wouldn't give up on me easily and is willing to travel any road with me, smooth or rough. It was what I truly wanted and needed.

There was one problem though. It's not a brand new pair. It belongs to my sister. I found it as I rummaged through her luggage when she came to visit. She wasnt using it at all and she never really liked the shoes that much. So I decided to use it.

I borrowed it for a couple of months and grew to love it. I knew I shouldn't get attached but as I used it each day, falling in love with it couldn't be helped. I knew I shouldn't. If i was smart enough, I wouldn't have. Because it was a temporary set up and I knew deep down that my sister will be looking for it. Yet, there was also a tiny flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, my sister had let it go already. So much for hoping.

Just when I was so close to loving it all the more (I cant deny I fell in love already); just when I was able to let go and forget my old fave and just when I was so close to calling it mine, my fear was realized.

Out of nowhere, out of the blue, my sister wanted the shoes back. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the devastation that came along with it. It was another heart-to-the-shredder moment for me.. again.

I'm depressed beyond words. I ache. I hurt. And I'm tired, so tired of feeling all this all over again. Why is it that everytime I find the shoe that fits, I also find out that its not right for me?

But my sister told me she missed the shoe and that she realized she loves the shoe. So I gave her the shoe, in as much grace and dignity, but in reality, its slowly killing me on the inside. But I had no choice, I had no right. It wasn't even mine to begin with.

I wanna be happy for her, I really do but it just hurts for now. Letting go of something always does. But there's so much pain here, more than that of when I lost my old fave. Maybe because we didn't have much time to make the journey with this shoe. It all went down to what-ifs and what-could-have-been. And it hurts. oh so much.

I just hope my sister will take good care of it and will see its real worth.

So I'm here, back to square one, continuing my pursue and search for the right shoe.
When will I find it?
Where?
How?
I dont know.
The answer is I dont know.
All I know is that I hope when I do find it, it'll be worth all that I went through and all that I am going through in this quest, yet again, of finding if the shoe fits.

Finding Mr. Right

With the first breeze of february and the abundant displays of hearts strewn all over the place, the quest for finding Mr. Right is about to become a race against time.

In our society, the 14th of february has become an event to look out for. The whole month has even become a season itself. Proposals are thrown, dates are made, preparations are set and plans are put in motion. But has tradition really taught us that we need somebody special to be able to celebrate valentines? Has it taught those who have no dates to be cynical and jaded?

We all want the right person beside us, holding our hand, loving us.
We all want romance. we all want love. And this specific want is heightened as you watch people on awkward first-dates and couples walk by, hand in hand almost everywhere in town.
You then ask yourself: Where is he? Where is Mr. Right?

The answer is unknown.

No amount of foreseeing and fortune-telling can tell you that. In time, you will meet him. Cliche? Yes. Yet it's also the truth. There is that certain person out there destined to meet you - somehow, somewhere. When you meet him, you will know. The spark, the magic, the chemistry and so much more than you're expecting will be there.
You just have to be patient.
You have to believe.

This may also be one thing good about valentines. seeing couples on happy dates and feeling the aura of love everywhere.

Wait.
Maybe this is the magic this season holds.
It's knowing that love still works. and it still can for all of us.

As we celebrate this years valentine's day, we may not be on a perfect date, we may not even be on one. We may not have the perfect guy, we may not even have one. But if you look around you, you'll see you've got friends who'll stick with you and you've got your family who'll walk through fire for you. They should be more than enough reason for this celebration.

True, we may not have Mr. Right but then again, we've got all the important persons who will make everything right. :)


FYI: Created this just in time for valentines, just never got around to posting it. (chuckle)

At a loss...

When dealing with matters of the heart, usually, it's just emotions and feelings that are in question. Nowadays however, things are different.

Society dictates how and when relationships should start and how they should go. They tell you when things are right and when things are just plain wrong. They've invented the it's-complicated status that clearly complicates things all the more.

When did this start? When did we ever start conforming to the norms of society when it comes to the heart? When you think about it, how right is the right thing to do?

If we feel something that may not be necessarily right to the eyes of many, do we stop it? When it could be the only thing that feels right in such a long time? Do we resist? Do we lie and convince ourselves otherwise?

Perhaps the point of it all is to avoid inflicting pain of any sort to any one and to be able to make a brand new start. This may be to rid ourselves of all insecurities, all doubts, all fears and all suspicions. This may also be, so we can be able to start right.

But is a right start a strong basis for a relationship? Is it a hurt-free guarantee? And in order to have this, what does this all entail? Should we pretend the emotions do not exist and go on with life? What limitations should one set? How long will this denial last? How long should it last?

When we are all at a loss,
do we follow our heart?
or do we follow what society says?

Lost in transalation?!

I recently lost a shirt that almost came close to becoming a fave. I've been looking all over for it for the past week.

True that I've been wearing it lesser than the usual. At first, for fear of my sister seeing it. You see, the shirt's not actually mine. Thus comes guilt. I got hold of this shirt when I went on a trip to visit her. I was going through her closet (which i always do even from way back), saw it, decided to borrow it for a day but never got around to returning it. When I got back home, the shirt was inside my bag much to my surprise. Unintentional yet I'm not sorry either. I mean, the shirt was basically a permanent resident of my sister's closet. At least with me, it gets to be worn - even for a while.

It actually just slipped my mind. At first, I loved wearing the shirt. But as time passed, it's either I got uncomfortable wearing it or it refused to cooperate with me. So I began wearing it less and by the time I realized it, I don't know where it is anymore. Now that I want to give it a chance and go back to wearing it, I can't because for some unknown reason, it got lost.

Could it be hidden beneath the mass clutter atop my bed?
Or could it be that somehow, it managed to find its way back to my sister's closet where it really belonged?
Could it be that that shirt was not really meant to be mine?
If that's the case, then do I stop turning our house upside down in search of it?
Or do I just wait for it to appear?
I mean, if it's just somewhere in my room, then sooner or later it will be found, right?
Or do I let it go?
When do you finally say goodbye to what you just lost?

Then again, how could you lose something that wasn't even yours to begin with?

Swimming anyone?

The beach has always been one of my favorite places.
You get to hear the waves crashing.
You get to smell that distinct scent of sea breeze.
You get to enjoy one of the most beautiful places in the world.

There's something in the fresh air that sets you up in an awfully good mood.
There's something about the way the waters caress the shores, gentle and sweet.
There's a certain magic as you make those walks along the beach with the moonlight glowing on you. There's a faint sound of tranquility as the sound of the waves lull you to sleep and sends you off to dreamland.

This is the beauty the beach holds when you look at it out of the waters. But what about when you're in the water? What beauty lies beneath?

Everyone loves the beach but only a few are willing to explore the not-so-safe side - swimming.
We love looking and going to the beach and yet we are scared of finding out what else it can offer us.

Not all of us are experts in swimming, some don't even know how. I'm no expert in the matter. I know the basics in swimming but not enough to save my own life. I've been taught lessons and others are gained through experience. This probably explains why some of us are wary of going into the deeper end of the sea, afraid we'd drown.

So we wade and we wade, hoping we get enough fun out of it. And we do, but not as grand as those who have dared to go deeper. They've seen what the sea really offers and the majestic beauty it holds. They are given contentment and bliss, something waders could never get.

I've tried going to the deeper ends once, to see what lies beyond the safe zone.
What i saw was far greater than what i expected. It does give you contentment and it does give you bliss. But since I'm not that equipped with the skills, i began to feel the first signs of panic as I realized I was about to drown. I gathered all strength, courage, prayers and patience as I fought to save my life. There's no one out there to help you. You're on your own out there. Probably, the most important thing you must have is willpower. Without this, I'd have given in to the sea's sweet serenade as it swallows me whole.

I managed to get myself back to shore, exhausted, drained and downright tired.
It dawns unto you that it would have been best if you'd have stayed on the safe side. You wouldn't have gotten hurt.
But will being safe be enough?
Knowing that you're missing a whole lot out there?
Or is the pain enough to compensate for the beauty you just found?

We are all afraid of drowning. We are all afraid of not being able to pull ourselves back to shore.
But if we live in fear, we will never get to have the satisfaction and bliss that the deeper ends hold. Until we get the courage to face the challenge, we are only able to look at the sea but we will never get to experience the sea.

The beach is a romantic place.
But does the romance carry on once you're in the waters?
Or will it remain outside, just for everyone to see and not feel?
I guess we'll never know unless we brave ourselves to take on a swim..
towards the deeper end.