Happily ever after...

I see a beautiful castle atop a mountain.
I see a lush garden surrounding it, with flowers of different colors in bloom.
I see people up and about, singing and dancing to their heart's content as they work.
I see birds chirping, butterflies adding more color to the scene and animals humming along to the tune.
I see a princess, sitting by the window sill, looking beyond the horizon as she awaits the return of her knight in shining armor, her prince.

I see myself observing from afar, lost and totally confused.
Then I realize that this isn't my world. This is a whole new dimension, some place I could never fit in. It is then that I am brought back to reality.

We all have dreams that of a fairytale with hopes that someday, it could happen to us. Amidst all trials, depression and problems that surround us, could we still hope? Should we still hope?

I've had my fair share of ups and downs and highs and lows, usually ending up in downs and lows. Yes, there are lessons learned. Yes they have made me stronger. But they have also made me tired and sad beyond words, sometimes to the point of questioning which is totally wrong. And sometimes to the point of cynicism.

Yet despite the confusion, I still believe.
Despite the ache that's gripping my heart, I still dream.
Despite the loss and despite the grief, I still hope.
Most of all, despite the pain, I continue to love.

I never wanted something complicated and unreasonable. All I wanted is to be loved as much as I love; to be that someone worth fighting for and someone worth standing up for. Someone who'll hold me and tell me everything will be all right; Someone who'll hold my hand and won't let go; Someone willing to go the distance with me, come hell or high water; Someone willing to share both happiness and pain.

I don’t need a knight.
I don’t need a white horse.
I don’t need a castle.
I don’t even need to be princess, although it doesn’t hurt to be one.
All I need is that one person willing to go the distance with me;
that one person who'll just be there and love me;
just that one person and it'll feel like I have everything else.
We can even build our own castle together.

In a modernized world, can fairy tales still come true?
Do we still have a chance at happily-ever-after?

A Constant Struggle...

I've talked about swimming towards the deeper ends of the sea, experiencing what it has to offer you and being brave enough to wander the thrills and shrills of the unknown.
What if you were able to muster enough courage and you did explore its depths? Yes, you see the never-before-seen wonders and feel the never-before-felt emotions. But what if you end up drowning? What happens then?
For people who are not experts on swimming, myself included, drowning is usually the foreseeable event (for lack of a better term).
When you feel the first signs of drowning, how do you know what to do next? What do you do next?
How can you tell if this is the right time to back off and head back to shore?
How can you head back when you're still in awe of the wonder that is laid out before you? You know, deep down, that the effects of drowning will hurt and yet you stay. Why is that?
It's because you've finally set aside your fears and have let go of anything that was holding you back. You've finally learned to open your eyes and give in to the feeling. It's because you know the pain will be nothing compared to what you are experiencing at that particular moment. And maybe, just maybe, you're hoping that if in case you drown, someone will be there to save you.
But what if there is no one to save you? The real challenge begins. Because then, you will see that all your fears have just come true. And the pain sinks in as the sea tries to lure you to its depths.
It would've been easier if it were as simple as just trying to get back to shore. But it's not. As you try to save your life, you also nurse a broken heart. A broken heart brought about by hope that something out there is worth all this conquering act for and the dream that there could be something more.
As you make your way back to shore, there will be times when you just want to give up and stop fighting the currents that pull you; there will be times when you want to stop and just drown yourself in your own tears (as if the ocean is not big enough for you to drown into).
But you have to see the bigger picture. You have to look beyond what you are going through right now and look towards the shore. Someday, you will get there. It's gonna be a long journey but you will make it. Maybe someday, you'll be safe once again. Until then, you continue to fight in this constant struggle of saving yourself.

If the shoe fits.. part 2

Remember how I talked about finding the right shoe that could somehow take the place of my old fave? Well, I found it.

I wasn't looking for it. I gave up on the search a long time ago. And yet, somehow, it managed to find me. In the most unexpected place and the most unexpected pair of shoe, I found what I was looking for..and more.

The new pair was more beautiful in a lot of ways. The comfort was there. The style was there. The best part? It complimented me in every way. It was also a pair that I knew wouldn't give up on me easily and is willing to travel any road with me, smooth or rough. It was what I truly wanted and needed.

There was one problem though. It's not a brand new pair. It belongs to my sister. I found it as I rummaged through her luggage when she came to visit. She wasnt using it at all and she never really liked the shoes that much. So I decided to use it.

I borrowed it for a couple of months and grew to love it. I knew I shouldn't get attached but as I used it each day, falling in love with it couldn't be helped. I knew I shouldn't. If i was smart enough, I wouldn't have. Because it was a temporary set up and I knew deep down that my sister will be looking for it. Yet, there was also a tiny flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, my sister had let it go already. So much for hoping.

Just when I was so close to loving it all the more (I cant deny I fell in love already); just when I was able to let go and forget my old fave and just when I was so close to calling it mine, my fear was realized.

Out of nowhere, out of the blue, my sister wanted the shoes back. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the devastation that came along with it. It was another heart-to-the-shredder moment for me.. again.

I'm depressed beyond words. I ache. I hurt. And I'm tired, so tired of feeling all this all over again. Why is it that everytime I find the shoe that fits, I also find out that its not right for me?

But my sister told me she missed the shoe and that she realized she loves the shoe. So I gave her the shoe, in as much grace and dignity, but in reality, its slowly killing me on the inside. But I had no choice, I had no right. It wasn't even mine to begin with.

I wanna be happy for her, I really do but it just hurts for now. Letting go of something always does. But there's so much pain here, more than that of when I lost my old fave. Maybe because we didn't have much time to make the journey with this shoe. It all went down to what-ifs and what-could-have-been. And it hurts. oh so much.

I just hope my sister will take good care of it and will see its real worth.

So I'm here, back to square one, continuing my pursue and search for the right shoe.
When will I find it?
Where?
How?
I dont know.
The answer is I dont know.
All I know is that I hope when I do find it, it'll be worth all that I went through and all that I am going through in this quest, yet again, of finding if the shoe fits.