memoirs of a drama queen..

For conventionals, memories of past experiences are kept in those tiny little boxes, tucked away in the closet, hoping never to see them again. What if you find them? What happens when you open the box again?

Last night, I came upon my own share of memories-in-the-box. Curious that I am, I looked into it, wanting to see who I was back then and how I was. It's a little funny how the past can still surprise you. It's even funnier how it gives you a clearer view on everything that has happened, contrary to what you actually believed in all these years (insert sarcasm here).

There were little notes, receipts (oh yes, i keep them), cards and even ribbons! Did I mention I also keep a record of the heart-tingling-to-swoon-over text messages? It's in a little notebook I'd like to call "silly 'ol me". (rock) What? So I keep 'em nonsense things, call me sentimental but hey, that's me. (wasntme) The good times can still bring me to smiles. The oohs and the ahhs were present but of limited appearances since the show-stealer reaction were: What? Really? (gasp) as I shaked my head in disbelief.

In short, tucking away those memories has indeed served its purpose. It had made me forget. But now I am reminded of the past. You know how they say "the memories come crashing down on you"? Well it is true. I remember all the emotions I felt at that particular time. I remember how my world fell apart and I remember what I went through as I picked up the pieces. The effect was devastating. The process was gruelling. How I got through it, I have no idea. But there were good times too. Good times that hurt as much since you see what both of you have given up.

It was what? 4 years ago? And yet when I read them, it felt like yesterday. Could it be that the emotions I was trying so hard to mask crept its way out into the open? Could it be possible that my heart isn't as healed as I thought it was? Or is it just the sentimental in me?

But I'm okay now. Honestly, I'm okay. I mean not the jumping-up-and-down happy but I've dealt with it already. Or have I just pushed the emotions aside since there's something more raw and fresher problem? Could I have just placed it all aside and now its back to haunt me?

If I'm perfectly fine with all that was in that box, why then did i find myself crying over them?

Battle of the heart vs. the mind..

In all the years of my existence and in the various lessons garnered from experiences, you would think that i would know better. I should but sadly, I dont.

I've always been cautious. In shopping, in decision making - professionally, in cooking, in eating and in almost anything. Anything except matters of the heart. This is one area I can never seem to master the art of being canny and vigilant.

Once my heart talks, the mind is thrown to the back seat. Yes, there are debates. There's this mind-over-heart battle that just keeps on going. Yet in the end, the heart always wins. Whoever said that one should follow your heart to be truly happy did not know that it can only be true to some cases, not all. I should know. I've got the scars and bruises to prove it.

After every storm, defenses are built; you detach yourself from the world; you become devoid of any emotion and you become this cynical gurl wary of everything that comes knocking her way. And just when you were going along fine with your life - oblivious to everything else, something happens and it slowly thaws your insides that by the time you know it, you melt. Defenses are broken down, logic is replaced with faith, emotions become alive again and the belief that something wonderful may happen is renewed.. only to have it stepped upon and destroyed.. yet again.

How many times does this have to happen? When will this cycle end? Will this ever end? How many times should our heart break before we can finally have that happily ever after? How many tears should we waste before we can finally say "enough"?

I guess there is no answer to this. For the heart is resilient. No matter how many times we've been hurt, we continue to love. Despite the ache that's tearing us apart, we continue to hope.

So the vicious cycle of falling in love and hurting continues and we stay for the ride regardless of the pain. Why? Because somewhere inside us, there's a tiny flicker of hope that this time, maybe we've found that one person meant to heal our hearts; maybe just this once, we can be that one person hard to walk away from; and maybe this time, we can finally tell ourselves that everything we've been through was all worth it.