During this time of year, I usually glow with optimism and shine with happiness. I usually could not contain my excitement and go about town, happy as a child. During this time of year, I usually am a walking Christmas ad - spreading the love and joy of Christmas and enjoying every single moment of it. This year, I wonder if it'll ever be the same. I wonder if I'll ever be the same again.As each day goes by, my optimism for a better tomorrow fades little by little. I struggle to find the brighter side in things and I try very hard not to let it all bring me down. The hardest part? It's the smiles and the laughters and it's doing them with a broken heart that's slowly killing my spirit. I do not know when I'll ever pull through or if I'll ever pull through. I've tried and tried and yet everytime I do, I always find myself back to square one. So the endless vicious cycle of my life goes.
I'm longing to see the sun shine again; to see the reason behind all this; to be able to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel; to finally get to the other side.
But it's not all that bad. The beauty in all of this is that I can still appreciate a good thing when I see it. I can still smile when I see people happy. There may be tears that come along with that smile but it's a smile nonetheless.
I want to be able to enjoy life again in its truest sense. I want to go back to my old self, radiating with hope and faith. I want to see the world with eyes full of love. But I understand that it is an ongoing process and the painful way of letting go does not happen overnight. I only hope that during the most festive and merriest occasion of this year, happiness will be on my side.
Until then, I will have to find and bring back my optimism. I have to believe that there is a bigger and greater plan out there for me. I have to believe that all this is gonna be worth it in the end. And I have to believe that I will find my happily ever after. After all, that is what Christmas is for right? It's a season of hope, of faith and of love. It's a season of magic. It's a season to believe.
I may be scarred, bruised and broken but I'm still here and I haven't given up hope just yet.
